I'm sitting at my friend's house in Orlando where I should be having a grand time and just focusing on the here and now. And I am having a marvelous time. I've only been here one day, but I can already tell my week is gonna be fabulous. But instead of thinking on the here and now, I can't help but think about what I was going through this time last year. On this day 1 year ago I was packing boxes to move. I was getting ready to move away from the first place my heart had truly called home. And on May 20,2011 I moved out of my 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment with a great roommate into a home where the bathroom was smaller than the one in my apartment, the door wouldn't open all the way, it bumped the toilet, that's how small the bathroom I used was. I quit school to move in and be a live in nanny to a family of 5. At the time I thought it was what I was suppose to do. It was the first time I had felt God's peace in a long time. I had not had any luck finding a job where I was living, and when this opportunity came along it just felt right, I could feel God's peace. And for a while it was really good. It was the first time in a long time I was not suffering with being unhappy. The kids I kept made me happy. And then I even found a part time live out position where I babysat an 18 month old little boy. He was a joy to keep just as much as the children I lived with were. And the family I lived with were strong Christians, and put God first in their lives. But sometimes I felt inferior because I'm human. It was hard rebuilding my relationship with God. It seemed like when I would have intimate time with God it didn't always stick. And, I couldn't find a church that felt like home. The church that I had moved from, I had been heavily involved, I knew from the first time I set foot in there that I was suppose to be there and that was where God wanted me. But, none of the churches I visited when I moved felt like home, none of them fit. And sometimes the reason may have seemed small to somebody else, but the church that I go to is not something I am willing to settle on. I think I have a right to be knit picky about church. Because to me the church I am suppose to be in, is the one where God tells me to stay. Before I moved I lived less than a mile away from my best friend. On May 20, I moved an hour and a half away from her. She had been there for me when nobody else was. She listened when I needed someone to rant to. She was there when I felt alone. I could quote a song lyric or a quote and she would know the underlying meaning to why that particular quote or song lyric was on my mind. And all of a sudden I wasn't 3 minutes away anymore. Our talks went from seeing each other and talking every week to catching up once a month or so. But I couldn't talk like that when I moved. The place where I moved didn't always get that I needed to talk. They didn't dig it out of me. They didn't understand what my song lyrics meant or that they even meant anything at all. It just made me miss my best friend more. And then a little bit before December I was told my time there was coming to an end. So, in December 2011 I moved back in with my parents for the first time in 4 years. Where I had been happy for the first time in a long time when I moved in May, and felt peace, that wasn't the case in this situation. I didn't feel any peace about moving back in with my parents. And, when I moved in May I had started taking pictures passionately again. When I moved back to my parents house I did good if I took one picture a month, instead of the 10 or more pictures a day I was taking. I moved back to a town of less than 20,000 people with no job opportunities and no churches that believe what I believe. It was hard enough for me to get out the first time I left. That town is like a black whole, it sucks people in. Or people think it's okay to be stuck there. They think it's a grand place to live even though there's no jobs, you have to drive at least an hour just to go shop or go to Sam's or Target. The Walmart inventory is ridiculous. When I had left 4 years ago I moved to a town that had a lot more places to eat less than 10 minutes away, it had plenty of places to shop, and God showed me the church where He wanted me to call home, who my spiritual family would be. And to this day, that pastor is still one of my absolute favorite pastors. Because He preaches the Word of God. You can hear the passion in his voice when he preaches, and you know what he preaches is really God speaking through him. He emphasized the importance of an intimate relationship with God. He didn't worry about stepping on toes. He preached God's Word!!!! And when I moved back in with my parents I started struggling spiritually again. I couldn't find a church that believed what I believe. I would try to rebuild my relationship with God and than would backtrack after a frustration would occur. I've been back at my parents house for 5 months now. And, it's been one big emotional roller coaster. And I am still struggling. And, I love my parents, but I hate telling people that I live with my parents. Because to people who don't know me, they probably think I'm a naive little spoiled little brat whose never lived away from home. Yall know the stereotype, right? But, I have lived away from home. I can do a lot of things on my own, that those who have never lived away from home can't do. I can do a lot of things that most women, mostly those of the baby boomer age, can't or won't do. Those things like put gas in your car or check the oil in your car or grill a steak.
But, I have learned a lot in the last year also. I have learned that being socially active is really not all that important and not a life necessity. I have also learned how to be self disciplined. Something I needed before I quit school. Now, I'm getting ready to go back to school after being out of the classroom for almost 18 months. And this time around, I'll be there to study first and foremost. And then I will go wherever God sends me. I've had some people here lately I shouldn't move more than6 hours away and other limitations like that. You can't put God in a box like that. God's not gonna send you somewhere just because that's where somebody else wants you to be. It's about where God wants you to be. And no matter what you're relationship with God is like, that's something that really nobody but you and God can understand. He has different ways of speaking to us, even if it's been months since we've spent time with Him. He still knows how to get you to listen, and how to tell you where you need to be. And I've had some people tell me that they think I should do a career that I really have no interest in. They think I would enjoy it because it involves computers and they think that because sometimes I like to be on the computer and on the net that I would enjoy working on computers. I have no interest in doing a desk job, that sounds like the most mundane and boring job ever. Well, maybe I can sleep now. Prayers would be greatly appreciated.
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