"A dream is a wish your heart makes"

I've been to Disney World twice this year. I went with my family in February, and I went by myself last week. One of my best friends did the Disney College Program after she graduated in December 2010. After she graduated she started as a seasonal employee.


During the first four years I was in college I constantly questioned what I was suppose to do after college. I changed my major four times. And after taking a year off I am getting ready to start back while studying my fifth major. Yes, you read that correctly, my fifth major.

In May 2009, God told me he wanted me to make an impact in the lives of kids while I worked as a summer counselor at a missions camp for 3rd through 6th grade girls. For two years after that the 4th through 6th grade girls touched my heart. I hope I had as much of an impact on them as their sweet smiling faces had on me. In March 2011, God put a passion on my heart to make an impact on the lives of toddlers and their families. Now, God is showing me a new passion.

There have been a numerous occasions this year where I have seen what might be described as signs from God. We joke sometimes about how we wish God would just send us a neon sign of what we're supposed to do. Well, if God sent you a neon sign would you recognize it or would it just seem like a coincidence to you? I have experience two neon signs this year. The first was in March when I went to visit some family close to the Gulf. I was shopping when I ran into a photographer. I showed him my Nikon and we talked for a while. He gave me some really great tips and encouraged me to continue following my dream and reminded me that achieving my dream won't happen overnight. The second sign came while I was visiting my best friend in Florida last week. While there I went to see her mom's house. While there I noticed that her step dad had antique cameras in their living room. I found out that he was also a photographer.I've wanted to be a photographer since I was in 9th grade.

And now, it seems like God is showing me how I can be a photographer and have an impact on kids lives at the same time. Both times I was at Disney World this year I got jealous of the Photopass Photographers. Because I think they have the greatest job in the world. They get to take pictures of kids with characters, families in front of various parts of the parks, families in the restaurants, and pretty much all over the parks. They may not realize that but by doing that they make the day better for each family that they take pictures of by preserving moments of the family's trip. Both times I was there this year it seemed like I never got tired of all the kids. When I was there last week there were a few times when I felt like I was gonna step on a few cause the park was so crowded. But I still found myself smiling at their joy. Little kids dressed as various characters. Kids taking in the magic and overcome with excitement.

While I was at Disney in February with my family my dad asked me if I would like to be a Photopass Photographer. Now, my dad has never been one to show support for me wanting to be a photographer. Ever since I was in high school he would tell me how I can't live off of a photographer's salary. That I wouldn't make enough and would have to have a second job. So, I was very surprised when he asked if I would want to be a Photopass Photographer. And I was even more surprised when he said that if I were a Photopass Photographer I would never have to work another job again.

I say all that to say I want to be a Disney Photopass Photographer. So, I will spend the next year and a half researching Disney. After I graduate next December I will hopefully do the Disney College Program. And after I graduate from the program, I want to work my way up to Photopass Photographer.

"I just wanna hold you close, but so far all I have are dreams for you."

Who knew you could learn something while spending a day at Disney World? This week I visited one of my best friends in Orlando, Florida. I went to Disney World one day while I was there. This was my second trip to Disney World this year. I also went to Disney World in February.  I know I've rode roller coasters before. I just never know if I will like them or not until I ride them. And some of them I even  liked. I know I've rode Batman and Superman at Six Flags and got a total adrenal rush. While there in February my friend made me ride Everest in Animal Kingdom.This time I rode Space Mountain. I wasn't a fan of either one of them. I realized something this time while I was riding Space Mountain. I think I would enjoy the roller coasters more with somebody who is patient with me and will hold my hand during the ride.

Where is my Prince Charming? Where is that glorious man who will encourage me to face my fears? 

Everything is a lot more fun when you have somebody to share it with. Whether it something you wouldn't usually enjoy or something that's one of your most dear passions.

My Prince Charming may not be a fan of photography, but I know he will encourage me to pursue my dreams. He will support my love for photography. I know he will love the Lord and have a heart for following His plan. That's the best kind of Prince. The Prince that believes what you believe and is not unequally yoked. I will support his passions as well. God will bring us together physically and emotionally through His Word. With him anything will be possible. He will make me feel like I can do anything in the world. So where is he? Where is this man I long to know? This man that will change my life? Is he out there? Am I too late?

Oh how I long to know this man. To spend my life dreaming with him. To have one adventure after another for 50+ years. To raise a family with him. To own a home and put our style into it. To grow old with him.

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go creating oneself endlessly.

Wow, how a year can change a person. During the first four years of college I wanted so badly to have a social life and lots of friends. I tried to find organizations to be involved in. I even got suspended from school by being more concerned in having a social life than in studying.

When I moved last May, having a social life was pretty low on the priority scale. I was more concerned with trying to find a job and make some money. And even as I've been back at my parents' house I haven't worried about having a social life. Mostly because the people my age who live in my hometown are okay with staying in one small town for the rest of their life instead of spreading their wings and seeing the world. Now, I'm realizing that having lots of friends is not a necessity to survive in life.

The friends that are important are the ones who are there for me. The ones who make an effort. The ones who have been there this past year. The ones I would do anything for.

Today, I was on facebook and I saw a status update from somebody who hung out where I hung out the semester before I got suspended. His status said something about Disney. I was going to tell him that I'm in Orlando too. Then, when I asked if he was at Disney he gave me a smart butt answer. As a nanny, I'm not a fan of smart butt answers no matter who it comes from.  And, it made me realize just how much older than the kids that I hang out where I hung out before I got suspended I really am. I didn't realize how much younger they were when I was there, when I was hanging out there all the time. They seemed nice. Now, they just seem like immature underclassmen.

So to those of you who worry something is wrong with you because you don't have a huge social life. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not weird. You are not a freak. Don't listen to what the world tells you. You will never find fulfillment in human relationships. I encourage you to reach out to Jesus. He has bigger plans for you than you could ever have for yourself. Let him come into your life and change you. Let Him show you who He wants you to be. To Him, you are perfect just the way you are.

Through the journey of the past year.

I'm sitting at my friend's house in Orlando where I should be having a grand time and just focusing on the here and now. And I am having a marvelous time. I've only been here one day, but I can already tell my week is gonna be fabulous. But instead of thinking on the here and now, I can't help but think about what I was going through this time last year.  On this day 1 year ago I was packing boxes to move. I was getting ready to move away from the first place my heart had truly called home. And on May 20,2011 I moved out of my 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment with a great roommate into a home where the bathroom was smaller than the one in my apartment, the door wouldn't open all the way, it bumped the toilet, that's how small the bathroom I used was. I quit school to move in and be a live in nanny to a family of 5. At the time I thought it was what I was suppose to do. It was the first time I had felt God's peace in a long time. I had not had any luck finding a job where I was living, and when this opportunity came along it just felt right, I could feel God's peace. And for a while it was really good. It was the first time in a long time I was not suffering with being unhappy. The kids I kept made me happy. And then I even found a part time live out position where I babysat an 18 month old little boy. He was a joy to keep just as much as the children I lived with were. And the family I lived with were strong Christians, and put God first in their lives. But sometimes I felt inferior because I'm human. It was hard rebuilding my relationship with God. It seemed like when I would have intimate time with God it didn't always stick. And, I couldn't find a church that felt like home. The church that I had moved from, I had been heavily involved, I knew from the first time I set foot in there that I was suppose to be there and that was where God wanted me. But, none of the churches I visited when I moved felt like home, none of them fit. And sometimes the reason may have seemed small to somebody else, but the church that I go to is not something I am willing to settle on. I think I have a right to be knit picky about church. Because to me the church I am suppose to be in, is the one where God tells me to stay. Before I moved I lived less than a mile away from my best friend. On May 20, I moved an hour and a half away from her. She had been there for me when nobody else was. She listened when I needed someone to rant to. She was there when I felt alone. I could quote a song lyric or a quote and she would know the underlying meaning to why that particular quote or song lyric was on my mind. And all of a sudden I wasn't 3 minutes away anymore. Our talks went from seeing each other and talking every week  to catching up once a month or so. But I couldn't talk like that when I moved. The place where I moved didn't always get that I needed to talk. They didn't dig it out of me. They didn't understand what my song lyrics meant or that they even meant anything at all. It just made me miss my best friend more. And then a little bit before December I was told my time there was coming to an end. So, in December 2011 I moved back in with my parents for the first time in 4 years. Where I had been happy for the first time in a long time when I moved in May, and felt peace, that wasn't the case in this situation. I didn't feel any peace about moving back in with my parents. And, when I moved in May I had started taking pictures passionately again. When I moved back to my parents house I did good if I took one picture a month, instead of the 10 or more pictures a day I was taking. I moved back to a town of less than 20,000 people with no job opportunities and no churches that believe what I believe. It was hard enough for me to get out the first time I left. That town is like a black whole, it sucks people in. Or people think it's okay to be stuck there. They think it's a grand place to live even though there's no jobs, you have to drive at least an hour just to go shop or go to Sam's or Target. The Walmart inventory is ridiculous. When I had left 4 years ago I moved to a town that had a lot more places to eat less than 10 minutes away, it had plenty of places to shop, and God showed me the church where He wanted me to call home, who my spiritual family would be. And to this day, that pastor is still one of my absolute favorite pastors. Because He preaches the Word of God. You can hear the passion in his voice when he preaches, and you know what he preaches is really God speaking through him. He emphasized the importance of an intimate relationship with God. He didn't worry about stepping on toes. He preached God's Word!!!! And when I moved back in with my parents I started struggling spiritually again. I couldn't find a church that believed what I believe. I would try to rebuild my relationship with God and than would backtrack after a frustration would occur. I've been back at my parents house for 5 months now. And, it's been one big emotional roller coaster. And I am still struggling. And, I love my parents, but I hate telling people that I live with my parents. Because to people who don't know me, they probably think I'm a naive little spoiled little brat whose never lived away from home. Yall know the stereotype, right? But, I have lived away from home. I can do a lot of things on my own, that those who have never lived away from home can't do. I can do a lot of things that most women, mostly those of the baby boomer age, can't or won't do. Those things like put gas in your car or check the oil in your car or grill a steak.

 But, I have learned a lot in the last year also. I have learned that being socially active is really not all that important and not a life necessity. I have also learned how to be self disciplined. Something I needed before I quit school. Now, I'm getting ready to go back to school after being out of the classroom for almost 18 months. And this time around, I'll be there to study first and foremost. And then I will go wherever God sends me. I've had some people here lately I shouldn't move more than6 hours away and other limitations like that. You can't put God in a box like that. God's not gonna send you somewhere just because that's where somebody else wants you to be. It's about where God wants you to be. And no matter what you're relationship with God is like, that's something that really nobody but you and God can understand. He has different ways of speaking to us, even if it's been months since we've spent time with Him. He still knows how to get you to listen, and how to tell you where you need to be. And I've had some people tell me that they think I should do a career that I really have no interest in. They think I would enjoy it because it involves computers and they think that because sometimes I like to be on the computer and on the net that I would enjoy working on computers. I have no interest in doing a desk job, that sounds like the most mundane and boring job ever. Well, maybe I can sleep now. Prayers would be greatly appreciated.